“A real fatty”
“Tub-o-lard”
“Fatso”
“Gross”
“Toxic”
“Know-it-all”
“Stupid”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“God has punished her enough”
At various times in my life, each of these has been said about me or to me. Whoever said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” was delusional. Long after physical pain is gone, and physical wounds have healed, the deep hurt of words lingers and devastates. Even in my fifties, I still find myself reeling from the pain of these words, many of which were said decades ago.
I remember finding my baby book in a cabinet of stuff my mom had for family keepsakes. I can think rationally about it now, but it took me a long time to get over what I found – well, sort of. My brother’s and sister’s baby books were filled with anecdotes of all their “firsts”. That’s what first-time moms do – they go all out recording what their babies do. Mark and Martha were 11 months apart, so Mom recorded what they did presumably at the same time with the eagerness of a new mom. Four and a half years later, baby books had lost their appeal. She had only written one thing in mine, “A real fatty.” I still tear up as I write that. It still hurts deeply. I want to interpret that to mean that the only thing worth noting about me was that I was fat. That, of course, is not what she meant. I know that, but those words hurt. There was nothing positive in my baby book, just the thing that has plagued me my whole life. The rejection I have known over being fat appears to have gone all the way back to the day I was born.
Isn’t it strange that we first learn to insult others, and then we learn that insulting others is wrong? It comes so easily. These harsh words mean to point out others’ flaws and push away those who are different from us.
It strikes me as I look at my list above how even positive efforts can be turned into insults. I’ve always been fat. That’s an easy thing for others to point out. So, I poured myself into education, learning, and teaching, only to be made fun of for that. “You’re such a know-it-all.” “You always have to be right.” Well, no, but I know more than you do about this subject, or I just learned something about it that I’d like to share. As older generations would say, “You can’t win for losing.” If you try to make yourself better that’s taken as you think you’re better than everyone else. As I tried to get better, every way that I still fell short was still a reason for derision. No wonder our world has embraced the “You’re Enough” mantra. We want something that people can’t or won’t make fun of.
Just today I saw the following posted by a woman I knew in high school:
“I’m not intimidating, you’re intimidated. There’s a difference. I’m not mean, nor aggressive, I am honest & assertive and that makes you uncomfortable. And it’s not ME that makes you uncomfortable, my PRESENCE challenges your comfort. I will not be less for you to feel better about yourself.”
How sad. I don’t remember this woman as intimidating, although I haven’t seen her in more than 30 years. Maybe she is intimidating now. What made me sad was her insistence that if she is intimidating this is not her problem. We have lost the ability to be strong without hurting others. That’s what makes me sad. It makes me wonder who’s hurt her. What is on the list of quotes that still live in her memory? What is she fighting so hard to refute?
The fact is that words have power. God used words to bring the universe into being. He spoke and it was so. He is the Word. When I read His Word, the power of the Almighty penetrates my heart. And, when others are harsh or cruel or mean or overly assertive, those words penetrate my heart, too.
I don’t know about you, but the advice I got as a kid was always akin to “Don’t let that bother you”. It was essentially, “sticks and stones…” That’s terrible advice. I don’t say that to shame those who gave it. The fact is that when we say things like that we are usually longing for how things should be. Words shouldn’t hurt because the Word doesn’t hurt us. Harsh things shouldn’t be said. Tough rebuke shouldn’t be necessary. Mean sentiments have no place in God’s Creation. Yet, they do exist, because sinful people find them necessary.
My mom would insist that “a real fatty” was meant as a joyful declaration about her healthy baby. Babies should be fat. They need that fat to grow and mature. In a perfect world, calling a baby a real fatty would be a compliment. I took it as an insult, and a deeply hurtful one, because of the years of meanness that came with similar words. The kids on the playground didn’t mean to say, “Look at Meri, she has a good amount of fat that will nourish her as she grows!” They meant, “Look at the fat, disgusting, lazy, ugly, worthless lump of sub-human flesh that dares to occupy space near me.” Their words were meant to push me away and keep me away.
Growing in knowledge with a desire to share what we’ve learned should be a good thing. However, if that knowledge is shared with a desire to put others down, it can be hurtful. And, if others have less desire to learn, they can lash out at those who are sharing in order to protect themselves.
Protection. That is often our motivator. We fear people who are different. We want to protect ourselves and protect those we love. Words are a powerful weapon in that effort.
The words that have had the most destructive influence in my life are the last ones on my list. “God has punished her enough.” That was said of me when I was all of 16 or 17 years old. In high school, I had a crush on a boy. I had known him since we were about 9 years old. We had become friendly acquaintances mainly through being in band together. I was infatuated with him, but I was afraid to tell him how I felt. I have always been awkward about relationships, and I have never figured out how to have a healthy relationship with a man. In high school I let this guy know I liked him by playing practical jokes. One of those jokes made him very mad. He thought another mutual band kid had played the joke and he tortured him over it. Finally, having had enough the innocent boy yelled, “It wasn’t me, Meri did it!” With that, the torture stopped. Incredulous, the tortured boy asked, “Well, aren’t you going to go after her?” To which my crush said, “No, God has punished her enough.” I don’t remember how I came to know that exchange. All I know is that it devastated me, and it still has a hold on me. How pitiful was I in his eyes? What was the evidence of God’s punishment? Was it that I was made fat and ugly? Was it because I’m stupid? Am I just a loser who doesn’t deserve any kindness? I’m not even worth pranking. I’m not worth someone’s time. There is no hope for me. Not only will no one ever love me, but no one will give a damn about me either.
This boy may have said that as a joke. He may have said it to get the other kid off his case. He may have believed it, or maybe it was just a thing you say. I have no idea. I don’t think he knows that I know he said it. He definitely doesn’t know how painful those words have been to me for the last 35 years. But that’s the point. When we carelessly say mean or hurtful things to or about someone, we often have no idea of their impact. We go on with our lives no knowing that we have left another life in ruins.
That statement, “God has punished her enough,” comes to mind in almost every relational situation I am in. If I’m interacting with a friend I wonder if she thinks me pitiful. If I find a man attractive, I think, “But I’m so much less than what he would ever want.” Those words have had a profound impact on me. I have allowed them to hold me back.
I can already hear the words of dear friends saying things like, “Stop thinking that!,” or “That’s not true,” or “That’s silly, you are wonderful.” I love that my friends immediately want to counter the lie that holds me back. How much easier it is to believe the negative than the positive! Words have power!
In James 3 we are reminded of the power of the tongue. He says in verses 7-10, “For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.” As believers, we must allow the Holy Spirit to control our tongues. There is a difference between speaking truth and speaking true yet hurtful words. We must ask ourselves if the things we feel such a need to say should be said at all. What good will our words do? If none, then keep your mouth shut. Use your mouth to bless, not curse. The world will do enough cursing of its own, the body of Christ need not add to the hurt.
To my Facebook friend from high school, I pray that you will embrace being kind while you embrace being assertive. If your words are hurtful or intimidating, perhaps there is a better way to say what needs to be said. It’s not that we keep ourselves silent on important things, but we find the most godly way to say them. The gospel is already offensive to those who are perishing, don’t add to that offense because you feel you have the right to say things that damage others.
Let’s “be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20) Let’s stop our self-righteous meanness in its tracks and get alone…with Jesus to determine what He would have us say.
To those who have been hurt by words, like me, or who have been hurt by my words, hear the love I have in my heart for you. People will fail us, but I, as a daughter of the Most High, want you to know that He loves you and I love you. I apologize for any way that I may have hurt you. Live in the lavish blessings of His love and grace. Those words have hurt, I know. God has the salve that will heal. Trust Him for that healing.