Recently I saw a post on Facebook speaking about unapologetically disengaging with difficult relationships. I won’t quote it. I can’t even find it again. I didn’t mark the post, but it has come to mind a few times over the last week.
Part of me deeply resonated with the post. Having been hurt by people multiple times in my life, I get the desire to write someone off so it will stop hurting. I’ve done what the post said, “I love you, but I don’t want you in my life.” I’ve had it done to me, “You’re toxic, I forgive you, but I don’t want anything to do with you.”
Just because we resonate with a post like that, just because people in our lives tell us to push her away, just because it seems like it is the right thing to do in the moment, is it? Bottom line, is it biblical? After all, being a follower of Christ and a daughter of the Most High, this is my highest priority. I want to know that what I’m doing is in line with the Bible. This is the question that I have to answer to move forward. This is the plaguing notion that keeps bringing this post to mind.
I want to jump to examples like Paul and Barnabas. We know the story from Acts 15. Paul and Barnabas were sent out by the Holy Spirit together, spreading the Word of the Lord. They were doing amazing work, they saw people come to know Jesus, they healed, they cast out demons, they did it all. When they reported to the Jerusalem Council, the Council was amazed to hear what God was doing among the Gentiles. They were then sent off to Antioch to tell the Gentiles that the Council under the Holy Spirit would not subject them to the burden of becoming Jewish at conversion. This was a joyous time! They rejoiced and they taught. But when it was time to move on from Antioch, Barnabas wanted to take John Mark with them. Paul didn’t trust John Mark because he had deserted them earlier. In Acts 15:39 it says, “They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company…” And they set off in separate directions.
So, is that it? We never really hear any more about Barnabas, but we do hear of John Mark again. As Paul was facing his death, he writes to Timothy to bring him John Mark “because he is helpful to [him] in [his] ministry.” (2 Timothy 4:11) Even if we conclude from Paul and Barnabas that it is biblical to wash our hands of another believer and go our separate ways, the fact that Paul asks for John Mark tells us that this separation was not a complete write off. They disagreed for a time, but at some point they must have crossed paths again. Barnabas was traveling with John Mark, and Paul had a chance to see him as helpful in ministry. They must have worked together again, even briefly.
From this account, I cannot justify completely writing off another believer. It may be beneficial to separate for a time, especially if you disagree, but no, we cannot write each other off.
But, what if this person hurt you? Oh, I’ve had that happen. I had a dear friend I trusted more than anyone else I’ve ever known, betray me by misrepresenting something I said to her as I processed a painful interaction with my mother. She called my mom and told her that I wanted her to die. I was crushed. I had never been so hurt in all my life. In one single action I had lost my closest confidant and had been forced into a long, difficult conversation with my mom. Damage had been done that lasted years. I called this friend and told her that she was dead to me. I was done. Years later I was invited to her graduation. I went and she hugged me. She reminded me that Jesus says we are to forgive seventy times seven. We spent the day together, celebrating her graduation, but our friendship was never the same. I tried to talk through the concerns I had about our friendship, but it was apparently too late. She moved away and we haven’t communicated in years. I love her, and I will always be grateful for the role that she played in my life. I look forward to seeing her in eternity where none of our stupid human sinfulness will get in the way. I don’t have hope that we will ever be friends again here on earth.
Am I wrong for this? Should I be reaching out to her until we have a relationship again?
What about when people just stop having anything to do with you? I’ve had that happen, too. These can be more torturous. These situations are difficult because you often don’t know what prompted the change. When this happens to me, I find myself hurt more deeply than when someone openly hates me. When someone just suddenly decides that I’m not worth their time, that rejection is confusing and devastating. I don’t know what I did wrong. No one ever told me that I was getting annoying, or difficult. I begin to wonder if everyone I know thinks the same thing. Is it universal? Am I unlovable? Am I unapproachable? Am I really that bad? Do I stink? Am I gross? Did I say something offensive? How was it offensive? How do I keep from doing it again? Is everyone just tolerating me? Am I a pitiful loser who people have to take turns befriending? Am I the charity case of the church? Is everyone talking about me behind my back? What are they saying? What did I do? Why do they hate me? How do I go forward? What’s wrong with me? How do I know that the next thing I say isn’t going to push everyone else away? How do I trust that anyone wants to be my friend? When I see people talking quietly, I wonder if they are talking about me. Are they pointing and laughing at what a loser I am? When will they decide to hurt me? Would it be better for me to die? Should I just go away? Should I just quit and go live under a rock? Would anyone notice if I just disappeared? Worse yet, maybe they would notice and celebrate. Oh, the self-pity spiral this starts.
In these instances, I am lost. Am I supposed to pursue those who don’t want me? Am I wrong for letting them go? Is it biblical to let them go?
As I pray on this, one Scripture comes to mind. When Jesus sent out the twelve, He told them, “If anyone does not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that house or town.” (Matthew 10:14) Does this apply? I’m not so sure it does.
Other Scripture that comes to mind is, “If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18) Is this the same as “be friends with everyone”? Probably not. So, is there a way to live at peace without pursuing friendships? Most definitely, yes. After all, “Bad company corrupts good morals.” (1 Corinthians 15:33) It’s all for the best if the people I would pursue are actually bad company.
Maybe there is a believer who doesn’t understand what makes you stumble. She may be living in freedom, not really sinning, but engaging in something that may tempt you to sin. It is probably wise to avoid that person. If I can’t live a good and godly life around a particular person, I need to step away.
Recently, I’ve come to understand that I tend to mirror other people’s behavior. If I’m around someone who is always joyful, one who rejoices with those who rejoice, I will be able to rejoice as well. When I’m around someone who tends to be negative, who finds fault everywhere, I will find fault in even more places. What this teaches me is that I need to be wise about who I spend time with. I need to focus on the “good” company that lifts me up. I need to avoid the “bad” company that brings me down. This is my weakness. It’s no one else’s fault. Maybe people walking away from me is a gift from God. How am I better for the lack of relationship? What other relationships can I grow in place of the one I’ve lost?
What have I learned in all my ramblings? A few things:
- When I have wronged someone, confess, repent, seek forgiveness, and reconcile.
- When others have wronged me, extend forgiveness and be wise with reconciliation.
- Seek those believers who edify.
- Avoid those who bring you down.
- Live for God first. (this should really be #1)
- Love others second.
- Beware of making people and relationships idols.
- Trust that God will reveal what I need to know in the right timing.
How do I do this? First and foremost, build my relationship with God, alone…with Jesus!