Heart Motives, Alone…with Jesus

I was just reading an article from the Journal of Biblical Counseling by Paul David Tripp. It was written more than 25 years ago, but it rings so true in my heart. It’s hard to beat PDT when talking about relationships, but this article helped more than others for me. The article is titled, Speaking Redemptively, and it discusses how we address one another in relationship.

You know those moments when you’ve been struggling with something, wrestling with a difficult topic, downcast and tired of your own sin, feeling all alone and like no one gets you, but then God illuminates something that helps put everything into place? That’s what reading this article did for me.

I’ve been wrestling with belonging. It freshly dawned on me just a week ago that my belonging has little to nothing to do with the opinions of other people, and everything to do with the work of God.

I had the opportunity to go to a Christian women’s conference a week ago, and I needed it! I was blessed to be able to go, but the weekend didn’t come without interpersonal turmoil. Going into the weekend, there was one person in the group who expressed over and over that she wanted me to go, but I was very unsure about the rest of the group. I feel very old and fat and slow and uncool. I have been struggling especially with my long-term battle with depression. I worried about holding everyone back. I roomed with a delightful woman, but someone I don’t know well. I wondered how she felt being stuck with me. When we got to the venue, we had a walk of about a mile from our parking lot. I can walk a mile, but it was hot and I quickly realized that I don’t and couldn’t walk as fast as the rest of the group. Here was proof that I was holding them back. Other similar walks (to dinner and back to our car) reinforced how outside the group I am. As they looked back, but didn’t slow down, I felt condemnation that may or may not have been there. I felt guilty when one of them would walk with me as she clearly would have preferred to walk faster. Then, when we would talk about our take aways from workshops and main sessions, I stumbled over my words as I couldn’t seem to articulate what was stirring in my heart. In fact, I really didn’t know what God was teaching until later.

The last morning of the conference the word, “belonging” was stuck in my head. As I prayed and journaled, this word was my topic. It kept turning over and over in my head. 

The day before there was an amazing session in which Courtney Doctor taught on “I am the Good Shepherd”. I sobbed through most of the session and couldn’t stop for a while. During that session, she explained the origin of the term downcast. Apparently, it’s a shepherding term for when a sheep is on its back and cannot get up. What a great image of how I had been feeling. I was downcast. I was that sheep with her legs flailing in the air, desperately needing the help of the Shepherd to right her again. The problem is that I had been there before. So many times before. I have been struggling with depression since I was 10 years old, maybe even longer. How many times have I been down and not been able to get up? I can’t even count them. Surely, the Shepherd must be sick of finding me in this position. Surely, He will take His time to right me again. Surely, I’ve disappointed Him. Why can’t I just take everyone else’s advice and “choose joy”? So, out of that helpless despair, I look to others for help.

To continue the analogy, I look around for other sheep to come and help me up. They never do, though, and even in trying, they often make things worse. I see the happy sheep bounding through the meadow exclaiming their joy and admonishing me to be joyful! I feel condemned by their joy and wonder what is wrong with me. I see other sheep sternly scolding me for being depressed, and reminding me that there is no reason to be depressed when we have Christ. Again, I am condemned and wonder if I’m really saved if I battle depression. Still other sheep seem to avoid me, they give me a wide berth and appear to ignore me. Apparently, my melancholy is contagious, and I just bring the whole room down. I’m not worthy of companionship, and I feel condemned for being a “Debbie Downer”. So, I don’t feel like I belong.

That last morning of the conference I had come to understand that I don’t need other sheep to right me. They can’t right me. I’m looking in the wrong place. The only One who can help the downcast is the Shepherd. I need the other sheep to remind me of that. I don’t need anyone to insist that I just “choose joy”, and I don’t need anyone to scold me for being depressed. But I also don’t need people to ignore me because I make them uncomfortable. What do I need? I need my fellow sheep to sit with me and remind me that the Shepherd is coming. That is hope. That is peace.

Apparently, I don’t need to be cured of my depression. If a cure for depression was the answer, then I believe my Savior would provide it. If I was dishonoring God simply because I am depressed, then crying out to Him for relief should lead to redemption of my depression. This doesn’t happen, though. I live with depression every day, and I have for more than 40 years. Yes, Christians are to rejoice, as our brother Paul exhorts in Philippians, but does that mean depression is sinful? I don’t think so. Joy isn’t always jumping up and down, yelling and cheering, and being overly exuberant. That’s over-exuberance. I like the way our staff values define joy. It is the gladness that flows from the settled assurance that God is in control. Gladness for a melancholy person isn’t jumping around like a cheerleader, often it is a peaceful, settled feeling. I can have that kind of joy, even when I’m depressed.

The reminder that what I really need is my Shepherd has helped me over this last week. When I am downcast, He is the One who can help. Those who know Him best and desire to do His work will remind the downcast sheep of this truth. But the thing that I really began to grasp over this last week is that my dependence on the Shepherd is what makes me a sheep. I belong because I belong to Him. He chose me. He rights me. He watches over me. He made me part of His flock. I felt a bit stupid for not getting that sooner, but let’s face it, sheep are stupid! Our Shepherd still loves us. As sheep we will fall on our backs. Our Shepherd rights us. It really doesn’t matter what the other sheep think and say.

It’s a bit funny to me now, but after the conference, I was walking with one of the members of our group back to the car. This conclusion had just begun to take shape in my mind when she asked me what my big take away was from the weekend. “Belonging,” I said. “I belong because God chose me, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.” “Do you not feel like you belong, Meri?” the woman asked. “Yeah. I never feel like I belong.” This is when she got mad at me. She couldn’t understand how I could feel that way and she diagnosed me with being too hard on myself. That’s probably true. I am hard on myself. However, as 51 years’ worth of harsh words and being left out flashed through my mind, I was at a loss as to how to believe anything else. I have been told that I’m too fat, too ugly, too slow, too stupid, too dull, too toxic, too single, too awkward, too clumsy, etc. to participate in any number of things. I have looked longingly into groups and events and opportunities I would have loved to be a part of. Someone saying that I’m too hard on myself doesn’t stop the being left out from being true. In fact, this seems to be another sheep condemning me for not getting up on my own.

So, what did the Paul David Tripp article have to do with all this? In the article, PDT discusses how words destroy. He points to a few Scripture passages and points out that these “define what it means to choose our words so that we may be part of what the Redeemer is doing in our lives and in others.”

The first passage that he discusses is Galatians 5:13-15 – For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. ¹⁴ For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” ¹⁵ But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.  We see in this passage that we have freedom in order to serve one another, we are to love one another (remembering that Christ taught that to love our neighbor we must love God), and we need to keep from biting and devouring one another. When we give in to sinful desires, we fail in all three parts. Our freedom is not meant for that.

The second passage PDT discusses is Galatians 6:1-2 – Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. ² Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. We all have a tendency to be caught, or stuck, in our sin. As brothers and sisters in Christ, we are to restore each other in a spirit of gentleness and bear one another’s burdens. Scolding someone for being stuck is not in keeping with a spirit of gentleness. But how often do we do that?

Think about that person you know who is annoying and needy, or that person who never seems to make any progress and grow beyond their bad habits and sinful patterns. What wells up in your heart? If we’re honest, this person probably makes us grumbly and frustrated. (This is what I love about Paul David Tripp. He’s a wonderful pastor, and a humble, faithful, gentle counselor, but he will also admit where he’s been wrong. As he discussed these passages, he admitted to times when he did not speak redemptively and had to repent. Oh, this is so helpful! If someone gives me the Truth, but I struggle to follow it, I often feel more condemnation. PDT just comes right out and tells us when he’s blown it, so we know we don’t have to be perfect. We have a brother who understands how it feels to fail.) If we speak out that grumbly or frustrated feeling, we will not be working to gently restore our brother or sister in Christ. Most likely, we will scold and admonish someone because we’re just tired of him/her.

I think this is what happened on the last walk of my conference weekend. This woman is probably right that I’m too hard on myself, and that probably means I exclude myself. Maybe others wish I would include myself, but I give off an air of not wanting to belong. But, when she spoke out of her frustration with me, it didn’t restore me with gentleness, it pushed me further away. I was that downcast sheep, unable to get up, desperately needing the Shepherd, and feeling all alone. Maybe I really did put myself there, and it was my sin that led me to that place. Maybe I caught myself. Maybe I’m stuck on the outs because I’m stuck in sin. In light of Galatians 6, what might have been a better response?

I’m not blaming her for where I was stuck, but the response didn’t help. But then God showed me my own heart. “You do that, too,” He said quietly. “You react out of frustration with people rather than compassion. You don’t act to gently restore. How often have you hurt a fellow sheep stuck on her back? What could you have done differently?” I’m convicted. I don’t seek to restore, I seek to be right. I justify what I say and how I say it because it is true. So what, if I never bear another’s burdens to fulfill the law of Christ? How am I serving Him?

Isn’t it amazing when God takes our own struggles and uses them to show us our own sin? He does it with restoration in mind. He does it as the Good Shepherd in order to right His sheep. He reminds me to check my heart and my motives alone…with Jesus before I make matters worse for a brother or sister in Christ. Then I can serve Him to His glory and honor. Praise the Good Shepherd who guides and protects His sheep, the stupid lot that we are!