Hallmark Movies, Alone…with Jesus

This week I drove a few hours to get away for a few days. As is my habit, I chose an audio book to listen to on the drive. This week was J. Warner Wallace’s new book The Truth in True Crime. I was enjoying the book until we got to chapter 4, which was a story of a husband who murdered his wife. The pattern of the book is that Detective J. Warner tells the story of a crime he investigated and what the crime teaches us about truth. This chapter led to wisdom about “trajectory” decisions. The first decision is to “Choose the Right Worldview”. I agreed with the conclusion that a biblical world view is the one that grounds our life decisions in objective reality. The second decision J. Warner discussed was “Choose the Right Spouse”. This is when I lost it. All the hurt that I typically try to bury came to the surface. I felt all the hurt. And I found myself driving and crying.

This section of the chapter starts with, “Not everyone wants to marry, but if you’re like most people, marriage is probably in your future.” It brought back this past Mother’s Day and the statement from the stage, “If you’re not a mom, yet…” If you’re married and/or a mom, you probably don’t hear the issue with these two statements. I’m going to do the best I can to help you see why these statements bother me so much. Please bear with me.

I don’t claim to know J. Warner Wallace, so I might have this wrong, but I don’t think so. I do know the man who regularly says things like, “If you’re not a mom, yet…” or “If you’re not married, yet…” What underlies these statements is that everyone should get married, and this is the second most important thing we will ever do (the first being following Christ). The implication is that every good Christian will get married, and it should be done early when we have time to have lots of babies. I don’t argue with the notion that most people, especially Christians, will get married. I get that. However, not all Christians will get married. We know this from the Bible itself. Paul addresses this fact as he is a single man. He actually says he believes it would be better for believers to be as he is, single. (1 Corinthians 7)

J. Warner Wallace and my pastor realize that they are speaking to an audience that may contain singles, and they apparently feel they must address that demographic. So, why not say, “Not everyone will marry…” and “If you’re not a mom or a wife…”? Why assume those who aren’t married don’t want to get married? Why add the word “yet”? That’s the part that hurts. What is “yet” supposed to mean to a 51-year-old single, Christian woman? I hear a statement that is insulting and accusatory. I hear that I have done something wrong and even sinful by being single. I hear the assumption that if I wanted to be married, I would be, so I made a selfish choice to get to this place. That is such a guy thing to think and say. These men can’t conceive of a scenario in which a woman who wants to get married never will. In our world, if a man wants to get married, he does. What they don’t realize is that if a woman wants to get married, she first has to find a man who wants to get married and then she has to determine if he wants to marry her. This is an area where men have options and women have to go along. That may be a controversial take, but it is what I have experienced in my life.

I have dreamed of the man I would marry since I was a pre-teen. For the last 40 years, every crush I had was potentially “The One”. Now, Hallmark movies were not a thing when I was a pre-teen, but the romance stories they tell have been around forever. My dream is for the handsome man I like to pursue me. I am naturally untrusting of people. He would know that but prove to me that he is trustworthy. He would prove to me that I am worth the effort. He would find my quirks endearing, and he would appreciate my intelligence and champion my efforts in work and ministry. I would feel safe with him. Finally, he would win me over and we would live happily ever after.

With the advent of Hallmark movies, my dream morphed to include aspects they always seem to contain. Yet, I never met a prince in disguise in the produce section of the grocery store. I was supposed to meet him as he fumbled through picking out produce, and I was supposed to help him and think he was a bit of an idiot. We would then run into each other as he sought to figure out who I am. I’d be annoyed by him, but he’d be persistent. Eventually, he would charm me, and we would fall in love. All before I found out that he is a prince. When I find out he’s a prince we’d have a crisis. Would I leave my life and join him in leading his country, or would he leave his royal life for good and join me in my simple, American, river town existence? Love would triumph, and we’d find a way to make it work. I hate Hallmark movies. They make me cry.

As I’ve gotten older, the hurt of the “yets” has come to include anger in defense of all single women. I worry about the single women of all ages who hear “yet” from their pastor. I feel the accusation of failure. I’ve cried with single women who long for their husband, wondering why God isn’t giving them the thing everyone says they should have. I want to scream to all of them that they are not sinful just for being single. Being single isn’t a sin. I want to grab every one of these sisters and remind them that their marital status does not determine their worth. I want to stand in the gap for them to keep them from settling for a boneheaded loser just to get rid of the “yet”. I’ve known women who did that. I’ve hugged women who married an abuser because he was the only one who asked, and at least she wouldn’t be single anymore. I’ve talked with women stuck in a miserable marriage just so she could have kids and finally be a mother.

As I felt these hurts anew with my audio book, I struggled. I sat on my hotel room terrace overlooking a lake and journaled for hours. I cried and poured out my heart to God. And then I tried to put it away like I always do. But as I tried to relax and recharge, a few barbs hit me. I got reminders of my ongoing frustrations and even felt the disrespect I’ve been wrestling with lately. I could feel myself get more and more depressed. The heaviness of my depression is physical. I feel weighed down and hopeless. I contemplated quitting my job and moving to a remote location all by myself. Then I realized I wouldn’t live long if I did that. My depression led to my familiar suicidal thoughts. I entertained those thoughts for a while before they made me smile and even laugh. Satan has no new tricks. He exposed himself with the thoughts of suicide. I know that’s him. And I know he has no power. I wrote in my journal, “I’m glad to know Jesus because now I can put suicidal thoughts away as they come.”

This morning I woke up and went for a walk before my drive home. As I got in the car, I realized that Wallace’s book was still playing. While I love his books and his approach to apologetics, I didn’t really want to listen to his book today. So I scrolled through my recent Audible purchases and found 12 Faithful Women: Portraits of Steadfast Endurance from the TGC. I hit play and headed out on my drive. The first chapter is about Helen Roseveare, a single, British woman who served as a missionary to the Congo in the mid-20^th Century. She endured more physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain than I can imagine. Her story is truly a portrait of steadfast endurance! Read it, you won’t regret it! I was struck so deeply by how she dealt with hurt in her life. As Betsy Childs Howard writes, “[Helen’s] honesty challenges her readers by suggesting that what we often label ‘hurt’ may be pride in disguise.” What a bombshell for me! I had just spent the last few days feeling hurt. How much of that was pride? It just might be ALL OF IT!!! Seriously, read the book!

I don’t have to like the “yets”, but I don’t need to be hurt by them either. It turns out my hurt comes out of wanting to defend myself. No, I don’t think the two men I discussed earlier have the right perspective on singles, but why don’t I trust Jesus to deal with that? Why do I feel the need to prove I’m right and they’re wrong?

As I’ve been thinking and praying over the last few hours, a thought has occurred to me. With more prayer, it has become stronger. I keep hearing, “Meri, you have your own Hallmark movie.” Hallmark movies are a dim shadow of the glorious truth of the Gospel. Not just a prince, but my King came to meet His beloved. He pursued me. At first, I thought He was a loser, a fake. He convinced me that He is the real thing. He convinced me that I can trust Him. He rescued me and promises to take me away to His Kingdom. I am chosen, pursued, loved, cherished, lavished with grace, and worth it. Why do we worship the dim shadow?

No, I don’t hate marriage. I long for it. It is hard not to number all of my faults and the reasons why no man will ever want me, and why every man I’ve ever wanted has run screaming from me. But God sent me a King. When I hurt, I need to check my pride, alone…with Jesus. I need to go to my King who came in disguise, who died in my place, who took the punishment for my sin, who defeated sin and death, and who now calls me His own. It’s not about me. It’s about Him. God is so, so good!