I often feel alone in the church. I am a 51-year-old single woman who has always been single. Women like me are few and far between in the world, let alone in the church. Most women I meet at church are married. When I meet another single woman, chances are she is divorced or, on occasion, a widow. Those divorced or widowed women are usually mothers, which is another fact that separates us. If I come to church looking for someone like me, I will be disappointed and feel like I don’t belong.
Should I be coming to church looking for someone like me?
There’s a question, huh? Maybe that’s a good question for all of us to ask. In our heavily programmed church culture we have come to expect affinity groups. We tend to think things like, “I’ll join a small group when you have one with middle-aged professional singles who live in two-bedroom homes and have two dogs.” (That’s me, by the way.) The underlying expectation is, how is the church serving me? Is it best for singles to only hang out with singles? Is it best for marrieds to only hang out with marrieds? Should moms of young kids only engage with other moms of young kids? I’ve met many people who would answer “no” to these questions, but then we continue to program ministry for married people with kids. These are ministries where I don’t belong, and frankly, I don’t want to belong.
So, I’m a single woman alone in the church. I attend service alone. I go to Bible study alone. I go to worship and prayer nights alone. I go home alone to my two dogs. Everyone else, it seems, has something to do. No one, it seems, is available to just hang out and talk. I tend to think, “If she comes over to hang out with me, I’m taking her away from her family.” The result is that I don’t call, I don’t invite, I live my little isolated life. The only community I have to look forward to is the occasional hug on Sunday morning or when I come into Bible study.
If I express these things to my church friends, they usually look sad, or sometimes annoyed. The implied response is, “I can’t fix that for you, Meri.” Sometimes there’s a seemingly half-hearted assurance that I’m always welcome to join in. Yet, I still sit at home alone.
Believe it or not, I’m not looking for sympathy or empathy. I really don’t need you to fix my single, alone life. What I would love to see is an acknowledgment that the church is meant to be different. Throughout the New Testament, there are many analogies for the church – one body with many parts (Romans 12:4-5; 1 Corinthians 10:17, 12:12, 12:27; Ephesians 4:12, 5:23; etc.), the bride of Christ (2 Corinthians 11:12; Ephesians 5:31-32; Revelation 19:7-8, 21:9), the family of God (Matthew 12:49-50; 2 Corinthians 6:18; Ephesians 2:19; 1 Timothy 5:1). If we were truly members of one body, would we feel alone? Even a pinky toe gets to be a part of what the rest of the body does. A bride and groom are drawn to one another. If the church is drawing near to her groom, Jesus, we would be drawing near to each other, right? While earthly family members can become estranged, the metaphor of the family is meant to convey that we belong to one another.
How is it then that members of the body, bride, and family feel like they don’t belong? Maybe it’s me. Maybe I put people off. Maybe I am doing something wrong and sinful by being single. Maybe I should just suck it up and realize that I don’t belong. Maybe I missed the memo that the church is only for married people. Or maybe it’s possible to support and honor marriage AND actively include those who are not married.
People will get this wrong. People get a lot of things wrong. God does not. His Word says that I am a part of “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession,” (1 Peter 2:9a) so I’m going to stand on that. I will “proclaim the excellencies of him who called [me] out of darkness into his marvelous light,” (1 Peter 2:9b) whether others want to include me or not.
I will draw near to Christ, not because He is my husband – He’s the bridegroom of the church, not individuals – but because He draws me to Him. I have been chosen, redeemed, forgiven, justified. As I recently heard Jen Oshman teach, “My biggest problem has already been solved.” Jesus is my constant companion. He is with me always, and whether or not others want me around, He does.
I may feel alone in this world. I may never feel like I belong. I may hear messages that teach that I’m sinning by being single. My local church will probably always have five times as many things for marrieds and parents than they ever have for me. The church does not exist to serve me. The church exists to bring honor and glory to God. (Romans 15:6) Interestingly enough, our brother Paul – a single man – exhorts the church with this in the very next verse: “Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” (Romans 15:7)
Maybe one day the church will do this well, until then I’m okay with being alone…with Jesus. I pray you are, too.